Can there be recovery after the death of a beloved one? If recovery means being able to remember my loved one and not be racked with conflicting feels, the answer is Yes. And I for one am so very grateful for that!
I don't ever want to forget my loved ones, but I do want to be able to think about them and not be thrown into figuring out how I could have changed the past. I want to smile about them and just love them without all the baggage of if only I had said this or done that.
Grief and recovery as defined by The Grief Recovery Institute: "grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Recovery is feeling better. It is being able to enjoy fond memories without having them precipitate painful feelings of regret and remorse. It's acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react.
Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever."
I'm finding I can live with great loss, because I've been willing to do my own recovery work. I'm once again finding joy in living and in fully participating in my life!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Rebuilding a life
I'm continuing to do my grief work. It means looking back on how I've handled my life, especially those times after some great loss occurred. After the most recent death in my family in 2001, I followed my pattern of dealing with tragic events in life. I take care of the needs of those around me and I don't talk about what I'm feeling inside. I listen to others, but don't share my own breaking heart.
Now my work is to uncover those emotions that I must have felt but didn't express. I'm reading a number of books on grief and loss, but they're all about grief of a death or major loss within the past year.
I've been harboring these feelings for years. I'm thinking it actually doesn't matter that the deaths were years ago, that the feelings are the very same as they were when the death occurred. I can do the work and have some healing now.
The other benefit I have as I do this work is a deeper understanding of myself and all I've been through. With this I am feeling more and more joyful and I'm ever more able to contribute to others. And that makes me happy!
Now my work is to uncover those emotions that I must have felt but didn't express. I'm reading a number of books on grief and loss, but they're all about grief of a death or major loss within the past year.
I've been harboring these feelings for years. I'm thinking it actually doesn't matter that the deaths were years ago, that the feelings are the very same as they were when the death occurred. I can do the work and have some healing now.
The other benefit I have as I do this work is a deeper understanding of myself and all I've been through. With this I am feeling more and more joyful and I'm ever more able to contribute to others. And that makes me happy!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Valentine's Week
Grief and Love
More than a decade ago my first love died. Remembering our time together still puts me in a swirl of emotions. I was thinking the grieving process just never seems to end. It’s truly the continuous ocean of waves of pain and sadness, joy and stillness.
As I reflect, I begin to understand the grieving process at a very deep level. It is the process of loving. No wonder it never ends. Grieving is just one aspect of loving. The other side of grief is love. There may not be one without the other.
Yes, we can recover from the anguish death hurls upon us. However, do we ever quite forget the joy and happiness of the love we shared with that person? I think not. And that's a great blessing! Our loving memories are home to both anguish and joy and everything in between.
Better to love deeply and risk loosing it, than not to love at all! Hear! Hear!
More than a decade ago my first love died. Remembering our time together still puts me in a swirl of emotions. I was thinking the grieving process just never seems to end. It’s truly the continuous ocean of waves of pain and sadness, joy and stillness.
As I reflect, I begin to understand the grieving process at a very deep level. It is the process of loving. No wonder it never ends. Grieving is just one aspect of loving. The other side of grief is love. There may not be one without the other.
Yes, we can recover from the anguish death hurls upon us. However, do we ever quite forget the joy and happiness of the love we shared with that person? I think not. And that's a great blessing! Our loving memories are home to both anguish and joy and everything in between.
Better to love deeply and risk loosing it, than not to love at all! Hear! Hear!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Listening, the quiet voice of love
What does a grieving person need to hear? Are there any universal messages? Hallmark seems to think so. And I for one am thankful for that.
When I think back on the deaths in my family, I remember tones of voices, cards with messages, and calls from friends. I don't remember any particularly moving or memorable words that were spoken. I do remember small acts of kindness from people around me.
This week a friend's dad died. I've been grappling with saying the perfect words. But, as I sit pondering, I know when I visit her, I'll listen to her thoughts and feelings, and be there for her in a way that makes a difference.
When grieving, the most important thing we can do for someone is listen to what they're saying and quietly give our loving support. Mmm, maybe that's what we all need at least once a day.
When I think back on the deaths in my family, I remember tones of voices, cards with messages, and calls from friends. I don't remember any particularly moving or memorable words that were spoken. I do remember small acts of kindness from people around me.
This week a friend's dad died. I've been grappling with saying the perfect words. But, as I sit pondering, I know when I visit her, I'll listen to her thoughts and feelings, and be there for her in a way that makes a difference.
When grieving, the most important thing we can do for someone is listen to what they're saying and quietly give our loving support. Mmm, maybe that's what we all need at least once a day.
Friday, February 1, 2008
pain to passion
Pain to passion: That makes it sound like there's a continuim, a straight line. If so I make the conclusion - if I take one step at a time on this imaginary line, my feeling of pain will eventually get me to feeling passionate about something.
Now, we know our experience of emotions is just not moving from one emotion neatly to another. It's not very linear! In any one moment I can feel really sad, pissed off, and angry, and also in love with the very same person! It's a jumble, all tangled up kind of feeling. No wonder there are times when someone asks, "how r you feeling" and say "I don't know".
I'm starting to get in touch with, be very conscious of, feeling two seemingly opposite emotions in the very same moment. My mind has to take them a part for a little moment, but my heart feels the two as one.
Pain, passion, like the front and back of my hand.
Now, we know our experience of emotions is just not moving from one emotion neatly to another. It's not very linear! In any one moment I can feel really sad, pissed off, and angry, and also in love with the very same person! It's a jumble, all tangled up kind of feeling. No wonder there are times when someone asks, "how r you feeling" and say "I don't know".
I'm starting to get in touch with, be very conscious of, feeling two seemingly opposite emotions in the very same moment. My mind has to take them a part for a little moment, but my heart feels the two as one.
Pain, passion, like the front and back of my hand.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)