Don't feel bad...

...that's a directive we've heard all our life. People say this even when we've suffered a loss. But, the truth is we do feel bad. Out of habit, when we feel bad, we suppress it and do something to make us feel good - even if it's for just a little bit, like eating something sweet, or having a drink, or talking to someone about their problems, so we can forget ours.

A different way of dealing with feeling bad is to really get in there and mess around with the thoughts, memories, and feelings. See them, touch them, think about the circumstances and the people involved. Facing them, not shoving them down once again is the work that must be done in order to create something new in your life.

Sounds like it would be painful. But, isn't it painful anyway? Do we really avoid pain, by pretending we don't feel it?

what is unresolved grief?

What's the difference between being depressed due to unresolved grief and feeling overwhelmed and depleted due to your present circumstances like money problems, emotional issues, or relationship challenges? How do we know when we have unresolved grief?
Unresolved grief is the pain of conflicted feelings that surround any devastating loss. These conflicted feelings can show up as thoughts like "I keep thinking about him, but he makes me so mad, I don't know why I keep loving him", or "I can't get past the pain of my mom's death. It's been over ten years since she died, but the memories of those days plague my dreams".
There is help available to getting through unresolved grief by taking specific actions. Just as we can effectively solve other major issues in our life, there are programs to effectively help us move beyond grief.
The program of actions I have found for successfully completing on past grief and loss, either recent or long ago are spelled out in The Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute. This is the 12-week program I lead.
Did you know there are over 40 losses that can occur in your life any one of which can make it nearly impossible for you to really accomplish what you once thought possible? The first step to dealing with loss is to tell the truth about how you feel. Talking about loss instead of keeping it buried deep in our mind and body will give you the little power boost to take the next step.

I work with people who like myself are highly experienced and quite frankly, gifted. We're also a group of people who sometimes have challenges in achieving fulfillment in some area of our life.
Maybe it's about money, intimacy, parenting, or marketing our business.

What I find is we run out of steam when it comes to getting some of the most important actions done. It never seems that the action in itself is that hard, it's just that we don't have the energy left after dealing with the necessities of the day.

From doing grief recovery actions, I have the energy to do even some of the most challenging actions like speaking to groups of people I don't know!

When I tell the truth that I am grieving some specific loss, I can then allow the emotional feelings that I’ve been holding onto regarding that loss to move. As the emotion moves, I have new energy for action.

Emotions are energy in motion.

OK, here’s an example. Sunday my daughter left to go back to college. As I was walking to the car I was filled with sadness. Normally, I would push this feeling down and then I’d feel a sense of loss all day. I’d hang around feeling sorry for myself.

Well, instead of suppressing my sadness, I let it out. I cried, right there in the parking lot. Yep, just stood there and cried.

Then, like a miracle, I felt OK. I knew everything was right. I was filled with gratitude to have had the wonderful time together over the past month. I felt energy.

I went home and did the actions that were most pressing. Then, I took a great big walk.

what do you say to someone who is grieving

Speaking through my heart is what I do when I'm having a conversation that makes a difference in someone's life. I "think" my thoughts (which aren't always clear, or even so nice), then I put them through the heart-wringer which softens, warms, and gives them that inviting tone. You know, the one that says this person really cares about you.
When someone dies, we are often at a loss for words as to what to say to family and close friends. We sometimes panic and say whatever comes to mind.
There is wonderful information from grief support services about what to say and what not to say. They tell us there are a number of things that are just not at all helpful. In fact, some can be down-right irritating to the griever, phrases like: Time will heal; and, Well, at least she didn't suffer.
As important, if not more important than what we say, is how we say it.
If we were to put our thoughts of consolation, through our heart with it's warming glow; magically the result is heartfelt words that get heard as truly helpful. The griever, even if for just-a-moment has a sense of not being so alone.
The critical difference is slowing down from our hectic pace when talking with a person who is grieving a major loss in their life. It takes a moment to stop thinking about you, think about the other person. Move your thoughts into your heart and say what you feel.

Steps out of the comfort zone

I say I want to make a difference. I know deep down within myself that making a difference in someone's life-even if it's just a "little" thing-makes me feel good. I also know that feeling good about myself makes my life a joyful experience.
Then I remember what it takes to make a difference. It usually takes risking being hurt, at the very least it takes moving out of my comfort zone. And the bigger the difference I'm wanting to make, the more I have to be willing to risk!
This is where the rubber meets the road in the land of really living a joyfilled life. What I'm learning and reflecting upon is: making a difference is a one-step-at-a-time process like other worthwhile pursuits.
I can take baby steps, acknowledge the outcome, and go on to a bigger action. Tomorrow is the first day of a speakers bootcamp I'm participating in. I don't even want to go out speaking. But I know that as a speaker I will have the opportunity to take forward steps in fulfilling my heart's desire of sharing what I know and what I have experienced that might help others.

The Blessings of Doing Grief Recovery

As I think about my purpose in the work I do as a coach specializing in grief recovery, I ask myself questions that others have asked me. What helps when I'm in that very uncomfortable feeling of overwhelm, confusion, sadness, and depression? Is this feeling a result of the group of losses I experienced in a short period of time? And if so, can I accurately say it's a result of grief?
If it is, just in naming it, I feel some power in dealing with it. I remember the definition of grief as "the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. " (Grief Recovery Institute)
Yes, I sure had a lot of that. No wonder I feel stuck and lost sometimes.
Some explanation of why there are these times and what to do to get past it, helps me know it's a temporary feeling. As I allow myself to just sit and feel, I experience peace coming to my mind, a feeling of "I'm OK." I can acknowledge myself for the difficult times I've been through and that I am a strong and courageous person who has a lot to give to others as I take good care of myself.
Doing grief recovery work has me understand myself and my response in my daily circumstances and relationships. Notice I say "response." Before doing my ongoing grief work, I would be in an automatic reaction to stuff that happened each day. Now, I can more consciously choose what I say, what I do.
This to me is the true meaning of freedom - having the power to choose.
So, doing my grief work - that is, not being afraid to think about painful memories and feel those feelings surrounding tough times - opens me to fully participating every day in my life. It allows me to really enjoy my days, even the times that are not so comfortable.

Grief Recovery

Can there be recovery after the death of a beloved one? If recovery means being able to remember my loved one and not be racked with conflicting feels, the answer is Yes. And I for one am so very grateful for that!
I don't ever want to forget my loved ones, but I do want to be able to think about them and not be thrown into figuring out how I could have changed the past. I want to smile about them and just love them without all the baggage of if only I had said this or done that.
Grief and recovery as defined by The Grief Recovery Institute: "grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Recovery is feeling better. It is being able to enjoy fond memories without having them precipitate painful feelings of regret and remorse. It's acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react.
Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever."
I'm finding I can live with great loss, because I've been willing to do my own recovery work. I'm once again finding joy in living and in fully participating in my life!

Rebuilding a life

I'm continuing to do my grief work. It means looking back on how I've handled my life, especially those times after some great loss occurred. After the most recent death in my family in 2001, I followed my pattern of dealing with tragic events in life. I take care of the needs of those around me and I don't talk about what I'm feeling inside. I listen to others, but don't share my own breaking heart.
Now my work is to uncover those emotions that I must have felt but didn't express. I'm reading a number of books on grief and loss, but they're all about grief of a death or major loss within the past year.
I've been harboring these feelings for years. I'm thinking it actually doesn't matter that the deaths were years ago, that the feelings are the very same as they were when the death occurred. I can do the work and have some healing now.
The other benefit I have as I do this work is a deeper understanding of myself and all I've been through. With this I am feeling more and more joyful and I'm ever more able to contribute to others. And that makes me happy!

Valentine's Week

Grief and Love

More than a decade ago my first love died. Remembering our time together still puts me in a swirl of emotions. I was thinking the grieving process just never seems to end. It’s truly the continuous ocean of waves of pain and sadness, joy and stillness.

As I reflect, I begin to understand the grieving process at a very deep level. It is the process of loving. No wonder it never ends. Grieving is just one aspect of loving. The other side of grief is love. There may not be one without the other.

Yes, we can recover from the anguish death hurls upon us. However, do we ever quite forget the joy and happiness of the love we shared with that person? I think not. And that's a great blessing! Our loving memories are home to both anguish and joy and everything in between.

Better to love deeply and risk loosing it, than not to love at all! Hear! Hear!

Listening, the quiet voice of love

What does a grieving person need to hear? Are there any universal messages? Hallmark seems to think so. And I for one am thankful for that.
When I think back on the deaths in my family, I remember tones of voices, cards with messages, and calls from friends. I don't remember any particularly moving or memorable words that were spoken. I do remember small acts of kindness from people around me.
This week a friend's dad died. I've been grappling with saying the perfect words. But, as I sit pondering, I know when I visit her, I'll listen to her thoughts and feelings, and be there for her in a way that makes a difference.
When grieving, the most important thing we can do for someone is listen to what they're saying and quietly give our loving support. Mmm, maybe that's what we all need at least once a day.

pain to passion

Pain to passion: That makes it sound like there's a continuim, a straight line. If so I make the conclusion - if I take one step at a time on this imaginary line, my feeling of pain will eventually get me to feeling passionate about something.

Now, we know our experience of emotions is just not moving from one emotion neatly to another. It's not very linear! In any one moment I can feel really sad, pissed off, and angry, and also in love with the very same person! It's a jumble, all tangled up kind of feeling. No wonder there are times when someone asks, "how r you feeling" and say "I don't know".

I'm starting to get in touch with, be very conscious of, feeling two seemingly opposite emotions in the very same moment. My mind has to take them a part for a little moment, but my heart feels the two as one.

Pain, passion, like the front and back of my hand.

What is grief?
It's defined with words like anguish, sorrow, suffering, sadness. When we talk about the grieving process, I think it's important to recognize that within that process there are many feelings, a multitude of different thoughts and memories. Grief is different for every single person. Just like fulfillment or success or any other complex concept. Grief, like happiness is a concept that we use to get an experience of some slice of life.
I experience sorrow and sadness when I think of someone close to me who has died. When I think of a memory of them, within that memory is not just the fact that they aren't physically with me, I remember some specific fun event and feel their loving embrace or some special thing they said. I feel warmth. I smile.
Ah, I see that what started off as "grief" morfed into a smile.
I'm getting the idea that I don't have to avoid "grief" because I can hold great sadness and also a sweet bit of joy almost in the same moment.

thinking about grief

I'm wondering what has me continue to move my business into the area that has me need to deal with my own losses. Why would a person purposely choose to work in the area of grief?

Every time I ask this, cause I ask myself this same old question often, I get the clear answer: passion is the otherside of pain. Over and over again, I get the clarity that because I am so committed to people participating in their world, that means me too, I must be willing to listen to painfilled memories in order to free up and access all of the fullness of my joy!

With this wholeness we are more and more capable of fully participating in the life around us. I mean talking to people when we walk by someone or in an elevator or in the grocery store line. It's the little exchanges in a day along with the bigger social contacts that bring us out of own thoughts and into the world of our fellow humans.

It's fun to talk with people. It's fun to get outside of my head. I get pretty darn tired of my own thoughts! How about you-Do you ever get tired of being in your head?